The Aussie white rabbit. (joke)

The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability of apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a forest and tells each agency to catch it.

The CIA goes first. It sends animal informants into the forest. They question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of intensive investigations the CIA concludes rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest, killing everything, including the rabbit. It makes no apologies; the rabbit had it coming, they insist.

The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is sobbing, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

Kevin 747 hears about George jnr's idea and decides to test Australian law enforcement agencies. He releases a white rabbit into Stromlo Forest, near Canberra .

The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promises that if it gets a budget increase it can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds of crime.

The Victorian police go in. They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with a koala, a kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They looked like dangerous rabbits and we acted in self-defence," they explain.

The NSW police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking officers and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out of their minds.

The Queensland police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them.

The WA police actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs itself when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of tea.

The SA and NT police join forces and beat the crap out of every rabbit in the forest, except the white one. They know it is the black ones who cause all the trouble.

The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. It examines the issues, particularly cost, and decides that because of low priority, high overtime and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should be returned to the referring authority for further analysis.

ASIO goes into the wrong forest.

Defence appoints Defence Material Organisation (DMO) to acquire 'rabbit capability'. DMO attempts to purchase another rabbit through massive acqauistion plan. Boeing wins contract to supply said rabbit, pins set of ears on malnourished rat and declares success with a November delivery date. Rat bites defence members...

LOL ~ You're Terrible Muriel !!!

They should've called the investigation *Harvey*

;-)

This is a little different from Indigenous'.  It was sent to me a couple of days ago, and it tickled my fancy - especially after my sister, who spent a couple of years in the UK in her early twenties, learnt to rattle it off without a hitch.

On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales .

At the lovely village of, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the cashier, 'before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'

The girl leaned over and said,







'Burrr … gurrr … king'  

Ha ha ha ~ Gotta love those young-uns eh DH !!!

Adam and God

God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said....


*

'What's a headache?'

nice one :)
any more?

I love it!!!

Hope the blondes here aren't offended.

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car... A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so The snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,

"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

of course she was blonde

***********************************

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from all that skipping."

Crikey got looking at the joke pages after seaching for a couple of jokes to highlight the difference between men and women then had to look further.
Thought this one would be good here.
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
  
Can coldwater clean dishes??

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
In a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan
  
After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
The next morning John's grandfather prepared
Breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.  

  
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,
And questioned his grandfather asking,
  
'Are these plates clean?'
  
His grandfather replied,
  
'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
  
  
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,
As his appeared to have tiny specks around
The edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
  
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
  
Without looking up the old man said,
  
'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
Clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you
Fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
  
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town
And as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog
Started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
        
  
John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
  
Without diverting his attention from the football game
He was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
  
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'  
Meet Coldwater !  
sorry but can't show the picture of coldwater a golden coloured spaniel puppy with big sad eyes.

I have posted this one before,but some of you might not have read it.....

BUTTERCUPS & GOLF BALLS
  
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and  found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman  appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't  have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the  rest of your life!'
Then POOF! She was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'

I am blonde so I am allowed to post a blonde joke.

A blonde goes into a hairdresser and asks for a hair cut.  She is wearing earphones which are getting in the way so the hairdresser asks her to remove them.

"I can't if I remove them I will die."

The hairdresser struggles around them.

This continues for a year each month the blonde would come in and would refuse to remove the earphones saying she would die.

One day while cutting the blondes hair the hairdresser was bumped and cut the cord to one of her ears and the blonde fell down dead.

Curious the hairdresser picked up the other earphone and listened.  She heard...




"Breath in"
"Breath out"
"Breath in"
"Breath out"
"Breath in"
"Breath out"
"Breath in"
"Breath out"

If I am allowed to tell a slightly naughty one I have another.

Love the jokes thanks all.

Tell the naughty one!

Ahhah

great jokes everyone :D:D

I want to read the naughty one too :P

Yeah go on Nybor do the naughty one and then I'll find another.LOL

Like this one would be wise for the young uns to remember.

WE DON'T STOP PLAYING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD...
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP PLAYING....



________________________ ________________







An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side..
  
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $ 5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $ 40,000," he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..
On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

                               All Seniors Aren't Senile

Okay naughty joke  although a bit dated.


Nybor:

The joke was indeed "naughty" and was deleted.

Moderator.

whoops sorry about that I didn't think it was that naughty.

Heres a clean one that even the clean police will like it's a bit old but still good especially as it has a happy ending.

A man ran over a rabbit one day feeling so bad he called a vet, when the vet came he look at the dead rabbit and said I have a cream for that so the vet reached into his bag got out the cream and rubbed it on the rabbit suddenly the rabbit jumped up hopped down the road waving at the pair the man asked the vet what was that cream the vet said hair restorer with a perment wave.

Poo... I missed the naughty one! I'll have to be quicker next time...

This one is a bit dated now but was voted as officially, the world's funniest joke
http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10/03/joke.funniest/

Yeah thats a classic as they say it has all the elements and without smut, have heard it told a few slightly different ways as has the one about the very religeous roustabout who farted and made a lot of noise on the toilet and when told that if he wasn't careful he would push his g@#$ out he replied that the lord would never let that happen to him.
Short version the classer put some rabbit gu@$ in the pan (outback dunny) and he came back and said "you were right and only for the help of the lord and a fork stick would never have got them back in again".
It has been told with nearly every occupation as has the one about the snake bringing frogs for a snort of alcohol, Slim even sang a song about it, they are classics and never die.

Like this one too but it is not a classic just appeals to my practical sense of humor.

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE
UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.

I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new
pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

SC@#W THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

Here's one for the media and politically correct mob.

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S.. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

Like this one with talk of people being able to live to unheard of ages.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.. (I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied... 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'No... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a s#1t?    

Sayings of the Jewish Buddhist



If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now.  Be someplace else later.  Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second
sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a
Danish.

  Wherever you go, there you are.  Your luggage is another story.


Accept misfortune as a blessing.  Do not wish for perfect health, or
a life without problems.  What would you talk about?


There is no escaping karma.  In a previous life, you never called, you
never wrote, you never visited.  And whose fault was that?

  Zen is not easy.  It takes effort to attain nothingness.  And then
what do you have?  Bupkis.

  The Tao does not speak.  The Tao does not blame.  The Tao does not
take sides.  The Tao has no expectations.  The Tao demands nothing of
others.  The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Forget this and
attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.  Let your stillness be as a
wooded glen.  And sit up straight.  You'll never meet the Buddha with
such rounded shoulders.

  Be aware of your body.  Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind
that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says, There is no self.
So, maybe we're off the hook.