All good - all of them!!

Oh well you will really appreciate this one then LOL.

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No.. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'..............

OOOH this ones a bit dirty it might get deleted.

DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL


One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mum waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. )

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water
is the toilet?

Isn't it amazing how what you don't know doesn't hurt you?? ;o)

...that would make a great tv commercial for blue cistern blocks! xD

naturegirl - get green toilet blocks and say it's green tea :P

Neykid,

If ever you wonder why your dinner invites go unanswered, I do hope you will remember that comment! :-P

LOL Neykid! xD

Now no one can complain about this one.
The Frog and Golf

A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears:

"Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, huh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I Should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me. "

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.



"And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin - so help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

Bit of an oldie and comes in many forms but this is a new storyline.

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.  

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in WA as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Australia Day Party on Tuesday. Thought you might like to come at about midday..."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, Thank you."

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, Be some drinking".

"Not a problem", says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em".

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops, "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too".

"Well, I get along fine with people, I'll be all right! ..I'll be there. Thanks again".

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too".

"Now that's really not a problem", says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six Months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear"?

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

In case the last one got deleted for mentioning sex heres another oldie.

This one mightn't get by the censors?

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2010

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible
Rate at which one can die.

Number 8
(Part of this post has been deleted due to its risqué nature as per the forum rules: http://www.vegsoc.org.au/forum_rules.asp

The VVSQ reserves the right to:
1. delete posts at its sole discretion.
2. to ban you at its sole discretion.
3. to edit your posts at its sole discretion.

Moderator)


Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
Teach a person to use the Internet and
They won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you
Still can't help but smile when
You shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
Lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
And a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2010

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
What you do today, might Burn Your arze Tomorrow...but don't let that stop you!"

Loved the Australia Day Party!!!!  And would love to know what no.8 was in the last one, but you'd better not tell me or we'll both get into trouble!

Telling a city Vegan that their "poo makes the best cruelty free compost" is like asking a Catholic "Why does Jesus have a penis."

Careful now ZZ you are bordering on the Risque comments with that word. LOL

thank Indigenous for degrading this thread into smutty jokes.

(Part of this post has been deleted due to its risqué nature as per the forum rules: http://www.vegsoc.org.au/forum_rules.asp

The VVSQ reserves the right to:
1. delete posts at its sole discretion.
2. to ban you at its sole discretion.
3. to edit your posts at its sole discretion.

Moderator)



And here is a nice mushy one...

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water
on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks
around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and
sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty
asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says,
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture , puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into
the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is
everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to
take your pants off to change and clean you, you said,
"Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive",Osama himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA, and the Secret Service.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help.

They cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."

LOL careful Antihill you're being watched.

Surely this one is ok and have doctored the only bit of blasphemy.
It's a doctored version of an American joke but still works here.

POST TURTLE

While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Aussie farmer,
who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle,
the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Kevin Rudd and his role as our Prime Minister.
The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Rudd is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country
road and you come across a fence post with a
turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he
continued to explain.
'You know he didn't get up there by himself,
he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there,
and you just wonder what kind of dumb b3333r put him up there to begin with.'

A public school teacher was arrested today

          at John F.. Kennedy International Airport

          as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a

          protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning

          press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a

          member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the

          man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math

          instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a

          problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by

          means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of

          absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and

          refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they

          belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with

          coordinates in every country.
As the Greek

          philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every

          triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama

          said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math

          instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.'

          
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a

          more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is

          believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow----

Now heres a real mushy one LOL

Sometimes when you cry






  





S O M E T I M E S


Sometimes...

when you cry....

no one sees your tears.



Sometimes...

when you are in pain.

no one sees your hurt.



Sometimes..

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress



Sometimes..

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile ..



-








-

But FART !! just ONE time...



And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

Surely this one will get past the censor
How long for a haircut?

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head
in the door and asked,

'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in
the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?*
The barber looked around the shop and said,
'About an hour and a half .'

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said,

'Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,

but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop,

laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go
when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes

and said,..........


'Your house!

Hehehehehe...

Just as well I have good control of my bladder!!

Ok found one that might get past the censor.

HEADLINES  FROM THE YEAR: 2029
  

    Ozone  created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest  country in the world, Little India, formerly known  as Australia  .

~~~~~   White  minorities still trying to have English recognized as  Australia's third  language ~~~~~
Kookaburra plague threatens  northwestern Australia crops and  livestock.  ~~~~~~
Baby  conceived naturally!
Scientists  stumped. ~~~~~~
Iran still  closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years  before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.   ~~~~~
France pleads for  global help after being taken over by Jamaica ... No other  country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!   ~~~~~
Castro  finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,  but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.   ~~~~~
George Z.  Bush says he will run for President in 2036.   ~~~~~
Australia  Post raises price of   stamps to $17.89 and reduces  mail delivery to Wednesdays only.   ~~~~~
85-year,  $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.   ~~~~~
Average  weight of a Australian drops  to  250 lbs.   ~~~~~
Global  cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year  in Vicindia and New South India.   ~~~~~
Japanese  scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they  now can photograph a woman with her mouth  shut.                                  ~~~~~
Senate still blocking  drilling in Canberra even though gas is selling  for 4532 Rupees per litre and gas stations are only open on  Tuesdays and Fridays. ~~~~~
Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.   ~~~~~
Supreme  Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights   ~~~~~
Average  height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.   ~~~~~
New federal  law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and  rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030 as lethal  weapons.  ~~~~~~
Australian  Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.   ~~~~~
Southern  Asia formerly Northern  Terrority voters still having trouble with voting machines   ~~~~~

I Love This  Country!

It's The  Government That Scares  Me!